“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” (I Peter 4:8)
BACKGROUND
When Joe and Lisa Jones arrived overseas in Asia, they were at the young age of 25 and 23 respectfully. They had only been married for about a year and a half with no children. They joined two other couples making up a team of three families. One, was the Febbos, Bill and Sarah, and the other one, Tom and Doris Smith.
The Smiths, newly married too, making many short-term mission trips in the past, to other locations around the world before they were married, but never together as a couple. They arrived about a month or so before the Jones’ did and with no children also.
The Smiths came from a home where both parents were believers. Joe and Lisa both came from religious homes but none of them professed Christ, until years later. Lisa’s parents divorced when she was young but soon accepted Jesus as her personal Savior. Joe got saved when he was 19, which meant turning from a life of many sinful choices, to Jesus as Lord of his life.
The Febbos, unlike the Smiths and the Jones’, had been married for many years and had arrived a little over a year before the two other couples did and had 3 small children. The Febbos knew both couples previously but the Jones and the Smiths had only met one other time before coming to Asia and it had been a whole year since they had last seen each other.
The Febbos set the Smiths and the Jones’ up in one house together, until another suitable home could be found. It was furnished which was rare in this part of the world. Plus the Febbos thought the couples might need each other at first, until they got adjusted to the new place.
The Smiths were put on one side of the house and the Jones were put on the other side but shared the same kitchen together. Being a big house compared to what they each were used to, it sounded like a good plan. What could they say, the Febbos had been so nice to get it for them.
POTENTIAL CONFLICTS
However, the Jones and the Smiths soon found out how difficult it was to live together. What and how to cook? The Smiths liked beef and the Jones liked fish. Doris knew how to cook from scratch and Lisa only knew how to cook from boxes and cans which she couldn’t find any. It felt like she knew nothing about cooking.
The Febbos provided them with what they called a “helper” (a live-in maid) to assist them. Lisa and Doris both knew nothing about this kind of set up.
Now, you might be thinking, “I wish I had a maid”. But, if you are newly married, never kept house much (or have different ideas of how to clean one’s home), can’t speak the language yet, where the helpers are there 24/7, and having several new people live in your home, it can be pretty scary and invasive at first. Did I mention they were newly married too!
They both were experiencing culture shock. When Doris went through culture shock she reacted by going inside herself to process. If you knew Doris today you would be surprised to think she was anything but quiet. She has a vibrate personality. On the other hand, Lisa verbalized outward to process. So the more Lisa talked the more Doris went inside herself and the more she went inside herself the more Lisa talked.
WHAT DOES THIS ALL ADD UP TO?
After several months of living together the Smiths, wisely so, decided to move out. Of course this caused all kinds of emotions inside of Lisa. She had become accustomed to having them around and thought she had been the one who might have caused them to move out. The Smiths reassured her this wasn’t the case. They just needed their privacy. They were most kind but it didn’t feel like it at the time. Leaving left their relationship a little emotionally rocky but it did ease some of the tension.
Six months later, Doris and Lisa were both pregnant with their first child, causing them to realize that even their parenting styles were different.
Soon the Febbos left to go home for their one year first “Home Assignment” and that left the Smiths and the Jones to hold up the fort and carry on the work together. No longer were the Febbos there for them to shield their differences behind.
Bill appointed Joe as Team Leader, which had its own set of emotions on both sides since they both had arrived around the same time, and Tom was older. Now the differences had to be addressed if they were to survive and work together as a team.
POTENTIAL RESOLUTIONS
The men seemed to be able to put the differences aside living out what they were called to do but Doris and Lisa, well what can I say? Lisa couldn’t hold it in very long. Both families were committed to the process of reconciliation but it seemed the tension continued and the more the two girls tried to talk it out the more complicated the issues became. Each time the cyle would start over. No fun walking on what us Americans call egg shells. It hurts!
How long could this go on? Joe, being the team leader was a very patient man but didn’t like seeing his wife hurting and in conflict with Doris. He wanted this resolved but he just didn’t know what the next steps were.
Joe went to Tom privately, both agreeing that one of them needed to leave if the two families weren’t committed to working things out. They couldn’t keep living this way. So Joe was willing to nominate the “Jones’” to leave to ensure that the work continued with peace.
The odd thing about it all is that they all needed each other and they knew it but they also knew that they either had to leave or God had to do something to change them. They couldn’t keep living this way.
PROCESS OF HOPE
Lisa got a hold of a book “Key to a Loving Heart”, by Karen Burton Mains, who helped Lisa explore the feelings she was having toward Doris. Realizing they were the same feelings she felt toward her paternal grandmother. Lisa never felt accepted by her grandmother, for who she was.
Maybe this is why I am having conflicts with Doris. She thought. I don’t feel Doris accepts me for who I am! Maybe because I never forgave my grandmother, that’s why I can’t forgive Doris.
Whatever it was Lisa knew she needed to humble herself and forgive her grandmother before she could proceed with Doris. Lisa immediately took time to write a letter to her grandmother to tell her how she felt. Her grandmother wasn’t a follower of Jesus so she wanted to be very careful how she worded everything so her grandmother would understand. It wasn’t easy.
Lisa in the process of writing her grandmother to tell her that she forgave her, realized at that moment she also never really accepted her grandmother either. After much soul searching, Lisa forgave her grandmother and also asked God to forgive her.
It was all a process but Lisa decided not to send the letter but kept the letter to remind her that God also truly accepted and loved her personally too. She was forgiven! She was now ready to love and accept her grandmother and Doris, no matter what, even if they were different than her.
Also receiving God’s acceptance and love of her as well in a deeper way. She knew now He was the one who would work the conflict out. Lisa placed her confidence back on HIM and not in the fear of man. She didn’t have to be afraid and react to defend herself.
She still needed to share with Doris, her frustrations, but now she found she didn’t have to as much, she was learning to accept Doris more so the differences didn’t matter as much. Plus, she was free to love Doris even when Lisa didn’t feel Doris was not loving her back the way she thought she should. Lisa could also forgive herself for the mistakes she would make. It wasn’t about Lisa so much anymore but about God working in her out to Doris and others. God working His purposes in both of them. Philippines 1:6 was an encouragement to her, “What God has begun, He would complete”.
God was already changing Lisa. God was changing Joe and unknown to the Jones’ God was changing Tom and Doris too.
How do we know? Because soon after that Tom and Doris paid a visit to the Jones’ to apologize about their attitudes. They wanted things to work out and what was it that they needed to do to help things get better.
They recognized, also conflicts of leadership styles between Tom and Joe too. They all had a good cry, confessing, repenting and praying together that night. I think the Heavenly Host’s and our Lord were dancing with delight that night.
NEXT STEPS
They mapped out some steps together to help insure the continued communications and growth between the two families. God was free now, to work in all of their hearts. It was no longer about “them” but about the work of God and His glory in and through them.
“…LOVE BEARS A MULTITUDE OF SIN” (I Peter 4:8b)
They were willing to accept each other a little bit better with their differences. They began to learn and appreciate one another as part of the body of Christ. They were also free to be themselves without feeling like they had to be what they thought the other person wanted them to be.
“IRON SHARPENS IRON AND ONE MAN SHARPENS ANOTHER” (Proverbs 27:17)
Their relationship after 30 plus years now has grown. They are still different but they have learned so much from each other they wouldn’t have if they hadn’t taken the steps of forgiveness.
Lisa often has been inspired by Doris in so many ways,
“AND LET US CONSIDER HOW TO STIR UP ONE ANOTHER TO LOVE AND GOOD DEEDS” (Hebrew 10:24).
And Doris would say the same about Lisa if she was writing this story. Many Asians today are following Jesus after watching the two families live out their lives together and hearing God’s word. Missionaries are now being sent out to other lands to hear how they can know Jesus and have eternal life. May God get the Glory, who has worked in and through them to bring about fruitful ministries for both of their lives today. The End!
Would love to hear your thoughts about this story as it relates to any you have experienced…..
PERSONAL OR GROUP REFLECTIONS: What issues do you see in this story that possibly can cause team conflicts? What potential ways did these couples try to go about to resolve the conflict initially? How would you have tried to resolve a conflict like this? What ways did God use to help in the process to help resolve the conflict? Can you think of some other ways God might use to help in the midst of conflict? What would be your one takeaway from this story for your own life? Please let me know in the comment section of this blog….
From One Pilgrim to another together on the journey,
“Consider how you may spur one another on towards love and good deeds….. encouraging one another–and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:24-25 (NIV)
